Mayhem Ep.8: Subtle but Huge Red Flags When it Comes to Dating

No two people are the same. This is especially true when it comes to romance. The problem is sometimes we get so wrapped up in finally making it work, we dismiss things that are not as simple as a difference in opinion. I firmly believe that people show themselves, because it is not human nature to be anything other, than what you are. It is human nature to ignore what doesn’t work. This is how the dirty dirty creeps of the world keep tricking us into going on dates with them. Do not take any of this to mean I’m an expert. There’s no such thing because while there is science involved, love hasn’t been worked out to exact measurements. I simply know people. All I’m doing here is reminding others as I’ve needed reminding myself, to pay attention.

1. He Shops at Pac Sun Un-ironically- You go to the mall on your mutual day off. Boyfriend wants to go into a store and buys a plain white T-shirt and a pair of equally as plain black sneakers. His total is a whopping $150 which, you comment, is far too much money for what he got. The moment he opens his mouth to justify that it is all name brand, you should just get your stuff and go block his number. In a life together this person will spend even money you don’t have on things neither of you need, because of the label.
2. When she is around, dogs and babies get triggered- I am not talking about one yippee dog or a certain baby that every one knows is kind of an asshole. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Those people who seem normal but just happen to piss off the worlds most innocent inhabitants. Babies and dogs are great judges of character because they are still unencumbered enough to see into the soul. If they don’t like what they see, eventually you won’t either.
3. He uses the words dork and nerd both interchangeably and condescendingly- I would never do that because I’m not a nerd. Maybe I would have that problem too if I was as dorky as you. Anyone you date should use these terms endearingly. The other way implies that he actually believes he doesn’t have any quirks. Which either makes him delusional or worse, normal.
4. She mistreats the waitress- Unless we want to live in a world where we do business through robots we may run into a person, who makes a mistake. As far as I’m concerned how you handle that is who you are. There is nothing wrong with demanding quality but the way someone addresses what’s wrong is very important, and speaks to character.

5. He knows all- When a relationship is healthy it requires a lot of bending and growth from both parties. Compromise is good but if you are always the one doing it you may not have chosen very well.

I know that all of this sounds like a lot of negative at the same time, but that’s not the way I see it. Once you weed out what you don’t want there is time to focus on what do.

Mayhem Ep. 5: Spirit Animals

You ever have a daydream that just sticks with you? Or seen something with your mind’s eye that is so interesting or cool that you can hardly believe it was created by your own imagination? For me, the feeling that directly follows is the absolute certainty that there must be something concrete to what I saw. I know I couldn’t have just made it up; it must have come out of the atmosphere. So I start looking for that something. I go into it intending to do a full on forensic science type investigation. A live action Sherlock Holmes themed search for another living being that may agree with me. I never get the chance to look that hard before the answer falls in my lap.

While recently praying in my car, I envisioned myself possessing the spirit of different animals. It looked like a giant spirit shadow. I was engulfed but still visible inside of a tiger, an eagle, an elephant, a rhino, and a fox interchangeably. Just for fun I looked up the meanings of these guys as spirit animals.

The tiger represents the need for secret sanctuary. He is a practitioner of walking meditation. He meditates both in the midst of other activities and during premeditated, set aside, alone time. He fears nothing, needs no one and embarks on no journey before he has thoroughly contemplated every step.

The eagle represents freedom and victory. His strong talons allow him to grab the things he wants. The elephant remembers. She has the power of recall. She is strong willed and able to endure, because she never forgets all the reasons she has to live. The rhinoceros is wise and solid. Not only does she love herself and her time alone. She is in constant relationship with her soul and takes heed of it’s wisdom. The fox has good fortune and seizes opportunity. He enjoys his life and lives it to the fullest. He is not afraid nor does he waste time over thinking before he charges out into the snow.

The more I learned the more I liked. These animals inspired me. Each and every one of them represents a quality of my personality that I either have on lock, or hope to refine. Nothing could bring me more peace that finding the kind of balance I would need to channel each animal at the appropriate time. I think they can help me do it. I hope there’s a creatures that can help you do the same.

Mayhem Ep. 4: Love is Clarity

Love is such a funny thing. It is one of the world’s purest forms of human power.

A mother can summon the strength of Hercules to save her child. A man can think with his first brain, instead his second. A musician can write the song that saves lost souls. It is more than a feeling, it is an element. A force more unpredictable and fluid that water. It does not simply give power, it can also take it, teach it, and conceal it when necessary. It can be a difficult thing to comprehend. The question, “how do I really know this is love?” is always hanging in the balance. It is simply astonishing that something so vast can be broken down into simple questions and answers.

I have felt it. In a moment so quick and sure that it’s possible I imagined it. That’s how it feels in the moment… Because to be absolutely certain of something you can’t see is a little strange.

I was running errands for my mom. The first one was to drop my sister off at school, the last was to drop off a snack for her before going home. While I was in the middle of things my sister called me to get an ETA on her snacks. I knew from the sound of her voice that something was wrong. Just as I knew I’d be dropping everything to see what that was.

I had just recounted to my mom all the reasons I thought a girl I know may be holding the heart of a very dear friend. I didn’t know how he felt, but I knew that the idea of them made me uncomfortable and sad. My mom asked me “what if this is what he wants?” I knew before I answered, that would change things. No matter how protective or jealous I might feel, I could put all that aside to support him in anything and everything he wanted. I think that’s what love feels like. That willingness to make sacrifices. That ability to drop everything and put someone else first. In these moments, everything slips away. Your head, heart, gut, and everything you have, feel the same thing. It brings you to a place where you are centered. There are few things in this world more powerful than a moment of clarity.

Mayhem Ep.3: Speaking the Truth in Love

“She is smart, and kind, and beautiful.”

“He is a good person.”

That’s what we all hope people are saying when we’re not around. Good people are loved and desirable, so we believe they never have to worry about being alone. A little voice deep inside reminds us that if we don’t want to be alone, we have to be loving. To be loving we must be liked. To be liked one must always say the right thing.

Eventually, this method gives way to saying things we know are not true. Even as our hearts shout at us that we have chosen the wrong words. We have been wrong for so long it has started to feel right. At this point it actually has to be said, that there is nothing wrong with telling the truth.

It’s normal that we should fear words being thrown around on a whim. The things that people have said to hurt us make us shy away from telling the truth ourselves. What we should be shying away from is how we have told the truth in the past. People tend to say what they are thinking the same way they do everything else… selfishly. Words hurt when they are said without consideration for the person receiving them. There is nothing wrong with speaking the truth, in love.

I know… it’s easier said than done. Pretty words that could probably make a nice wall hanging somewhere. How do we keep these from just being empty words? The key is to focus on the love. As you open your mouth picture being on the other end of what you are about to say. Not in the moment, but down the road. In a few weeks, months or years once you are able to get past all your feelings… are you glad you heard it? Are you using your words to hurt or to help? Know that it matters. The goal is not to avoid conflict, but to learn and grow from whatever occurs.

When you decide to keep your mouth shut just to avoid being seen as the bad guy you have become a part of the problem. When you speak your truth, with your heart in the right place, it can still hurt. There may still be anger, pain and fallout. There may not be. Either way, you and your truth are not the problem. The events that caused you to speak are ultimately responsible for any conflict that occurs. Keeping silent only lends our demons power. The guy that kept silent is not actually a good person, he is just liked. We all want people to speak well of us when we have walked away, but it really doesn’t matter what they think. What matters is where your heart is.